Hi everyone,
I hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween! If you find yourself trapped in a horror movie tonight, be sure to follow the following rules:
31 Ways to Survive a Horror Movie, According to the Movies
From:
https://tinyurl.com/mr3kxn5f
31. Service Your Car
Assuming you manage to get to your vehicle alive - having already dropped
your keys three times - and that you manage to enter said vehicle with
those keys still on your person - and not in the clutches of some cocky
maniac just outside the driver's-side window - you're going to want your
car to actually start.
30. Don't Investigate Strange Noises
Curiosity didn't just kill the cat. It killed the hell out of Tina (sorry,
"Teeeeena") in A Nightmare on Elm Street and all of the fools who followed
in her investigative footsteps. Hear a strange noise? Blast your Spotify,
lock the door, and call the cops.
29. Stay the f-k away from clowns.
Remember when you used to run away every time a gaudily made up harlequin
bent down to give you a balloon giraffe? Five-year-old you was onto
something.
28. He's Not That Cute.
Look, we get it: We would have invited Billy Loomis into our bedroom for a
bit of action, too. And we probably wouldn't have been able to resist the
alluring sophistication of Count Dracula - feast away you thickly-accented
dandy! But in your soberer moments, it's always good to remember: He
probably wants to gut you. Block his number and ghost him.
27. Done something sinful? Confess early - and to everyone.
So many stabbings/hookings/enhanced-shark chompings could be avoided if
good people who did bad things confessed early. It negates the audience's
need to see you get your moral comeuppance all those years later, and a
killer's need to avenge his or her dead relative, or themselves.
26. Always Dispose of Waste Responsibly.
Attention all nefarious business folk/unscrupulous government agencies in
the hazmat game: read up.
25. Don't Make New Friends.
New neighbors? Going to curse you. New girl at school? Probably
body-snatched. New vacation buddies? Going to drug you. Then sell you.
24. Stay away from barns, basements, attics.
If it's dark and used to store things you don't often use, best to stay
out.
23. Watch where you're running.
Find yourself in a horror film? Then chances are physical coordination
isn't your strong suit. Flo-Jo you are not. You already know that you're
going to run in zig-zags and, for whatever reason, you're probably going
to run with your arms flailing about you rather than tucked into your
side, sprinter-style. So make life easy on yourself and watch where your
feet are going. Tree root? Cord? Not-nailed-down rug? Avoid. Oh, and don't
over-polish your wooden floors - you never know when you're going to need
a bit of grip.
22. Shoot him in the head.
Of course, if it's a killer doll you're dealing with, even that might not
be enough.
21. Never stop to help strangers.
Especially if said stranger looks suspiciously like the thing that's been
trying to kill you for the last 30 minutes or so.
20. Avoid corn fields at all costs.
A lot of horror-movie victims think it's a good idea to hide in a corn
field - how can whatever is chasing you see you right? But the key word
here is "victim." These kids never survive because, as much as they can't
see you going, you won't be able to see them coming.
19. Keep Your Cellphone Charged.
File this in the same drawer as "Service your car." In fact, just make
sure that all technology that could help you call for assistance/escape a
psychopath is in tip-top working order. And invest in a Mophie.
18. Never Stop For Gas.
In the real world, most gas station attendants along remote roads are
either delightful or too busy playing Candy Crush to acknowledge your
existence. In the movies they are, as a rule, dentally challenged and
hungry for your sweet, sweet flesh - or, at least, related to folks who
fit that description. Bring a few gallons with you in the trunk.
17. Check out the blueprints for that new house.
Blueprints will help you avoid surprise secret passageways/burial grounds;
Google - or, if you're in a pre-2000s horror movie situation, a quick spin
on the microfiche - will help you avoid surprise historical mass murders.
16. Bathroom mirrors: Just don't.
This rule has sub-rules. Do not open and close the mirror-cabinet; do not
bend down to rinse your mouth out when brushing; do not stand in front of
said mirror and say anything three times in a row.
15. Always listen to the ominous warnings.
Just because someone creeps you out doesn't mean they're not worth
listening to. Take the Final Destination series' Mr Bludworth: The
deep-voiced mortician may scare the bejesus out of you, and look a little
like that guy who killed those kids in Chicago back in the 1990s, but take
notes when he talks if you want to cheat Death.
14. Say no to the big party.
There is a reason your small town just issued a curfew: Your classmates
keep dying. Mostly at night. Often while drunk. So when that text comes
through asking you to go to the big secret kegger - full of your
classmates, breaking all the other horror-movie rules, at night - just say
no. Similarly, if you ever bullied someone in high school, best to skip
prom.
13. Listen to the news reports (do not change the dial).
Pay keen attention to the news - if something mysterious hasn't cut the
power at your house/in your neighborhood. Pay particularly keen attention
if you find yourself in a zombie movie or in a town in which psychopaths
are prone to escaping from the local asylum. It's rarely, if ever, fake
news.
12. If you don't understand it, don't read it out loud.
Bonus rule: If, in the course of you reading a passage out loud, you start
to notice strange things - say, a pickup in wind, a drop in room
temperature, or the emergence-from-hell of multiple demons - don't finish
the passage.
11. Urban legends: No need to test them.
If it's not true, you look like an idiot, and if it is, you're dead. Stay
curious.
10. Don't Trust Kids.
If there's something a little "off" about the kid, the likelihood is
there's something very majorly "off" about the kid. It's probably a
psychopath, the devil incarnate, making friends with the dead kids who
lived here before you, or, in rare cases, a 33-year-old prostitute. (No,
really.) Lock him or her in a room and call in the professionals.
9. Don't Trust Mom.
The idea of the psychotic mom has long had appeal for horror filmmakers
since the earliest days of the genre - there's something just so
terrifying about the woman who's meant to care and nurture you suddenly
turning against you. If mom starts acting a little strange, best give her
some space.
8. Stick together - always.
Splitting up to try and find someone/something is perhaps the most
groanworthy horror-movie move there is. And for good reason: Loners are
easily picked off; groups give you a chance to fight back - or at least
use someone with you as a meat shield.
7. Glamp, don't camp.
Crazed psychos, zombies, and other nasties are drawn to rundown cobwebbed
cabins like moths to a flame. Or like forest witches to a tent. Splurge on
something a little fancier (or heck, just get a hotel) to ensure your
back-to-nature moment doesn't end with you pushing daisies.
6. Crazy people are the sanest people - listen to them.
It's the Rosemary's Baby rule: If someone is telling you there's something
weird going on - like that your neighbors might be part of a cult - you
should believe them. As of 2018 it might also be the Hereditary rule: poor
disbelieving Gabriel Byrne.
5. Try the door, not the stairs.
Just like knowing where your nearest exits are on a plane, you should know
where your nearest exits are in your own home. Hint: It's probably the
front or back door, not up the stairs.
4. Put down that scary-looking book.
That book over there: Is it gilded? Does it require some sort of lock to
open? Is it super-dusty (like,
I've-been-waiting-around-here-for-centuries-to-be-opened-and-unleash-hell
dusty)? Is it making noises? Is it... a pop-up? Then just put it down and
watch some TV. Reading isn't always good for you.
3. It's Never A Prank.
Your friends are jerks, but they're probably not big enough jerks to play
a prank in the middle of your town's latest murder spree. Take any
potential threat at face value and run - the worst outcome is you'll get
laughed at. Don't run and the worst outcome is getting squished in your
buddy's garage-door pet entrance.
2. Avoid big houses; try apartment living instead.
Big houses have: a) More places for killers to hide; b) more rooms for
dead folks to haunt; c) more corridors to get lost in on your way out; and
d) more possibilities of secret compartments/basements/burial places.
Small apartments - particularly studios - are just a safer option.
Downsize, it's a rough market now anyways.
1. Don't Bathe Alone.
Group bathing? Multi-person showers? Sound gross? Sure, but it's grosser
to be slashed into pieces with an eyeful of suds. So, if you're in a
strange hotel, being stalked in your dreams, or camping, try to make a
bonding moment of it.
Happy trick or treating!
-- Sean
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