Ben Collver wrote to All <=-
Title: Western Fruit Cake
You reminded me of this "recipe" I found on the Internet (I need to MM it):
The "Doorstop & Weaponry" Fruitcake Parody
Prep time: 30 minutes | Bake time: 3 hours | Shelf Life: 400 years
Ingredients:
4 lbs of assorted "fruit" (which is actually just glowing, radioactive neon-green and red cubes of unknown origin)
2 cups of flour (mostly for binding the fruit together, like concrete)
1 cup of pure, unadulterated existential dread bottle of the cheapest brandy you can find at the package store
3 dozen heavy-duty pecans or walnuts (for structural integrity)
1 cup butter
1 cup dark brown sugar
4 large eggs
Heavy-duty duct tape and cement (optional)
Instructions:
The "Fruit" Prep: In a bowl, toss the neon fruit cubes in the brandy. Let
it sit until you question your life choices. The longer it sits, the more
it absorbs the alcohol.
The Cement: Cream the butter and sugar in a large bowl. Add the eggs one at
a time, pretending it's your sanity slipping away during the holidays.
Mix-in: Fold the flour and the soaked fruit into the batter. If your wooden spoon snaps, it means you're doing it right. You are now making a loaf
capable of stopping a speeding locomotive.
Bake: Pour into a greased pan. Bake low and slow at 250F for 3 hours. Your kitchen will smell vaguely of cinnamon and a pub floor.
The Healing Process: Once baked, turn it out and immediately drown it in
more brandy. Wrap tightly in cheesecloth, then foil, and store it in a dark closet.
Aging: "Feed" it with more alcohol every week. By Christmas next year, it
will be 40% fruit, 40% booze, and 20% hardened sugar.
Serving: Slice using a serrated bread knife and a pair of safety goggles.
If you don't eat it, it can be passed down to your great-grandchildren as an heirloom or used for home defense.
-- Sean
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